A number of years ago, one of my best friends brought me
a copy of the little book, "To Train Up a
Child" by Michael Pearl. She said I'd like it.
Since she had learned the basics of her parenting
methods from me several years earlier, I assumed the
book would mention a few techniques and philosophies
similar to what I advocate. Boy was I surprised. It
didn't just mention one or two things, but spelled out
practically my whole parenting style. By the time I
finished it, I almost thought I wrote it.
So, what did the book say? Well, it was pretty simple
really - train your child in godliness, beginning with
obedience, starting from when he is very young. Train,
for the most part, don't punish. Don't punish if you
haven't trained. Train and correct consistently. VERY
consistently. Very CONSISTENTLY. Although the word
"consistent" was not overused in the book, the
message was clear. If you correct for every
disobedience, that amounts to consistency, and that is
what Pearl advocates. Pearl goes so far as to say that a
rebellious toddler can be completely retrained in only 3
days. I agree - if Pearlish consistency is used.
Pearl says that when needed, you should correct with the
biblical "rod". He recommends NOT using the
hand, because so many use the hand wrongly, in reactive
knee jerk fashion, only when they are angry. He
recommends a tiny willow switch because it can do no
serious damage and yet stings enough to get the point
across to a little one. Whatever you use, use it
consistently. He explains, "Those who are MOSTLY
consistent must use the switch too often. Those who are
ALWAYS consistent come to almost never need the
switch."
Don't get angry, train before anything pushes you to
anger. Correct before you lose your temper. Don't
threaten, don't give warnings. Tell your child what you
want, then discipline them immediately and calmly if
they don't do it. Know when to correct. Watch your
child's attitude and correct when the attitude tells you
a correction is needed. Don't just focus on the action.
According to Pearl, "the attitude of your children
is far more important than their actions."
Pearl's book is about training little children in
obedience to their parents. He does NOT advocate
spanking older children. Those he says, "....reach
a point where they need to be appealed to and reasoned
with much as one would another adult."
I once told a group of mothers from many varied, mostly
secular, walks of life, that Pearl's book was the best
child-rearing book I'd ever read. Boy did I get in
trouble for that one. According to them, Pearl was a
MONSTER and I must be one too, for supporting him. When
I said I thought Pearl had a great sense of humor, well
that dug my grave just all that much deeper. "WHAT?
How could anyone find humor in tormenting small
children," they gasped! These women then proceeded
to point to examples of perceived harshness and cruelty
on virtually every page of Pearl's book!
Huh? What had I missed? I had seen nothing of this
cruelty and harshness in the same book anywhere. Instead
I'd seen a loving and playful father rearing a godly
happy family.
So what does Pearl really advocate? Beating your
cowering child into submission? No, not hardly. Here are
some real quotes from "To Train Up a Child":
"Be a friend. Do with them the things that they
enjoy doing. Be caring. Be more ready with your ear than
you are with your mouth. Be very sensitive to their
concerns...."
"Parent, above all, you must cultivate that kind of
a relationship with your child. It is painful to sin
against your best buddy. If you can maintain this bond
with your child you will never have a problem
child."
"A spanking is made effective not by it's severity,
but by it's certainty." (There's that consistency
thing again.)
"I rule benevolently. Love and respect are my
primary tools of persuasion. I lead, not command from a
distant bunker."
"A child can't rebel against his best buddy....If
you will praise and reward the desired behavior, there
will be very little undesirable behavior. You will be
speaking ten times the encouraging word for every
rebuke......If your child is not doing anything
praiseworthy then take his hand to walk beside you until
he does do something worthy."
And finally Pearl says:
"Check yourself for balance by asking the question,
'Do my children view me as a stern and severe
disciplinarian or as a cheerful and wonderful companion
and guide?' Your judgments and punishments should be
lost in the many hours of happy communion."
These quotes and similar ones fill "To Train Up a
Child". They are mixed and mingled in with all his
other wise words about discipline and child training.
No, Pearl is not harsh if you read ALL of Pearl. Still,
in order to erase any doubts in my mind as to my reading
ability and/or memory, I recently pulled Pearl's book
out again and reread the entire thing from cover to
cover. Nope, I still don't see what those angry women
saw. But alas, it's obvious that they don't see what I
see either. "Just as it is
written: "God has given them a spirit of stupor,
eyes that they should not see and ears that they should
not hear, to this very day." Rom. 11:8 (NKJ)
What I see when I read "To Train up a Child",
are old parenting truths being simply and humorously
restated. What Michael Pearl teaches is not new. My
husband and I first heard virtually the same words a
good five years at least, before Pearl's book was
written, from a father several years older than us and
more experienced. He had raised his 5 children to
adulthood this same way, and says he learned many of the
principles from his father before him. (He jokingly says
he "was homeschooling when it was just called
truancy.") When I think about it, my own parents
taught me some of these same principles as well. No,
Pearl's words of wisdom are not new, but just as
effective as ever, and I'm thrilled to find them
preserved in writing for yet another generation. I only
pray the readers of his book will have "eyes that
see and ears that hear."
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